Bye, Buddy

Losing Sam, I often think about the past and the memories I wish I could relive, the moments I wish I could replay. I am so lucky to have many home videos and iPhone movies of him, to see his face and hear his voice again. But what I wouldn’t give to replay those moments for real.

One memory that I wish I could relive was the night of Christmas 2013. We celebrated with family in the Twin Cities on Christmas Day, but my brother and I both had to work on December 26 back in Duluth where we lived, so we left around 6pm to drive home. Sam drove; he loved driving. His ever-evolving playlist, eventually named Tacoma Tunes after his beloved truck, was the soundtrack of our road trip. 

There was a LOT of Katy Perry, one of Sam’s faves. “Teenage Dream” may have been played multiple times. We also jammed out to Avicii, Rihanna, OneRepublic, and of course, “Gangnam Style” by Psy. We were both hardcore Top 40 junkies at that time.

However, one song stands out vividly in my memory. 

A song fades out, probably another Katy Perry number. Then, the new song starts.

Make it stop
Sounds so good, I just can’t take no more…

We both immediately start singing along, employing our full dramatic skills to pretend we are the main stars in our own music video. Sam had a great falsetto, and it was on full display as he belted out the Zendaya lyrics. 

I wanna put you on repeat
Play you everywhere I go
Everywhere I go
Play you everywhere I go

Put you on repeat
Play you everywhere I go
Everywhere I go
Play you everywhere I go

Yeah
Wanna put this song on replay
I can listen to it all day
I can listen to you all day
Yeah, you all day

We continue full blast until the end of the song. Seriously, it’s a banger, and I will defend that opinion vigorously.

As the next song begins to play, Sam squints at the headlights behind him. 

“Jesus, this guy has his brights on,” Sam says, annoyed.

“Ugh, people need to pay attention when they’re driving,” I reply.

The inattentive driver signals and begins to pass us on the left, brights still on. Sam is clearly peeved, and flips off the driver. A millisecond after he completes the gesture, we both see the STATE TROOPER emblazoned on the car. 

Our eyes widen, and Sam slows from seventy-six miles-per-hour to a dutiful seventy. We watch in silence as the state trooper continues on, terrified that we are about to be pulled over. 

But the car drives on and disappears into the darkness down I-35.

Relieved, we both let out the breath we didn’t realize we were holding. 

“Whoops,” Sam exhales with a bit of a laugh. His eyes meet mine, and then we both start giggling.

My heart breaks a little more each time I remember that there will be no more road trip jam sessions, no more new memories. All I can do is replay the ones I have. I hope Sam can feel that he is on repeat in my heart and mind, because I could listen to him all day.